ikhwan ceria's access search.

Friday, December 25, 2009

the clock will tick the hours.. 2010

Now, I'm a self-loathing(refers to an extreme dislike/ being angry at oneself.)
Since I was into this thing, I felt lost. I felt that I had lost a part of myself. I never knew it till I realized it after a few years. How silly I was and there’s no turning back now. Why!? Why!? Probably I shouldn’t ask that, I should make a move to try to change myself to be a better person but then, I seriously need help. I doubted there is anyone who can help me.
My problem is detrimental (capable of causing harm),atrocious (cruel ) and nefarious(evil). It can’t be easily swiped away just like that, it is not as frail as everybody thought. It is strong inside me, deeply planted into my soul and it’s running through my vein and my brain every single day every single moment. I am pathetic, I am stupid. Right now, I can’t even bare to look myself in the mirror, it is just so depressing on how I lose to this, on how I’m not being able to stand firm on what I should have done long ago. And I broke my oath and promise many times, thousands of them even millions till I lost count on how much time I had done it. This year is coming to the end and a new year is going to start. I want to have a new life, I don’t want to submerged into this anymore longer. I want to be free, free from the horrible mean of myself, of my soul. I will always have to do it myself even though I was hoping there’ll be someone who can help me but I was wrong. I always know I have to do this and that I have to do it alone. My life is not in a stable situation and I am destroying myself and my mind, and I am dead! I threw myself into the trouble! I could not rise, I drowned as this thing vividly decorated in my mind. My hope is like a distant star and I wish that I could reach it all night. I give my all to have just one more chance to be good in life, I risk myself to do something stupid and now I have to pay the ultimate price. In my heart there is a song, a hopeful song, it lullaby me every moment that I did it and I was too shallow to understand it. But now I am not going to be afraid, I am not going to be scared, although there are many thing and many of them that I should feared of. What had I done all those consequences that it gave me I should be afraid of but there is no point of suffering the past. I’m heading to the future but I don’t see the light. Life is like this as what I’ve been told, I may not see the light but if I kept moving and moving, I will discover the light at the end of my path. Seriously, I really hope that is true. But how much longer do I have to wait, I have to suffer and I have to bear all these things? I may seem strong but I just act like one, I am fragile and vulnerable. I need to be hold, and I need to be accompanied but that is not going to happen, I knew. I almost give up, many times. But deep down in my heart I knew I can do it, I knew I can struggle and strive against it and I knew that someday I’m going to win this battle.