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Tuesday, February 2, 2010


Sometimes I find myself wasting my time ... thinking. I don't mean thinking in general, I mean wasting my mind thinking about something ... general!
Now if that made sense, I would click on that publish button and call this a post. Of course, if I did that, I'd be accused of not thinking ... period.

Why do things seem so difficult when all I'm trying to do is be better? Be better for myself. Be better for my family. Be better for those who love me. Be better for those I love. I'm trying so hard to stay positive and stay strong but it seems like when I get through one obstacle, another one starts crashing down on me or right in front of my face.

See, I wouldn't even care as much if things were just happening to me, but it's not that. Things aren't going so well. Things aren't going well for my friends. And things aren't going well for me.

I just want to be happy. I just want them all to be happy. I just wanna be there for them, and carry the burdens for them, and my heart cries every single time my mind gets to drifting to the problems that surround me. I know it doesn't directly affect me, and I know they don't wanna pull me into their issues because I got my own, but damn and what's even worse is that I can't do anything about it.

My heart is so heavy. I just can't seem to win at all. I don't wanna be pessimistic. I don't wanna live with sadness those bounds my spirit, but its times like this when I feel like I can't take it anymore. I just wanna scream. I wanna cry. I wanna shout out how I feel to the people I feel them towards.

im so sick Every time I walk into a group, familiar or new, I feel like I don't belong. I feel unaccepted and I feel insecure because I feel like no one knows me. No one really knows who I am. Sometimes, I don't even know who I am either. I continue to have these ups and downs. Sometimes, I just feel like breaking down. But I'm afraid because most of the time, I feel like nobody is there to catch me. So I turn to God in tears, because my spirit begins to feel weak and my eyes begin to swell up with tears because my heart is so heavy.

I feel a burden of not knowing what's to come. I feel a sadness that lies within me because I feel like I can't do anything but hope and pray that one day, I will tired of always having to be the patient one. I'm so sick and tired of always having something wrong, and even the times when I try know it's only temporary, but it really is taking a toll on me. But I pray to God that it will soon pass, so that my heart can feel light again and my spirit can be renewed.

till then, bye2..