Happy new year 2010..

It is not about who is perfect and who is not.


Some people hate,
Some people love,
Some people are procrastinators,
Some people act now,
Some people love to point fingers,
Some people love to extand their hands,
Some people answer every question,
Some people have an answer to every question,
Some people hate to lose an argument,
Some people love to win hearts,
Some people want a change,
Some people want to be the change,
Some people are blind except to their own colour,
Some people are blind colour.

the clock will tick the hours.. 2010

Now, I'm a self-loathing(refers to an extreme dislike/ being angry at oneself.)
Since I was into this thing, I felt lost. I felt that I had lost a part of myself. I never knew it till I realized it after a few years. How silly I was and there’s no turning back now. Why!? Why!? Probably I shouldn’t ask that, I should make a move to try to change myself to be a better person but then, I seriously need help. I doubted there is anyone who can help me.
My problem is detrimental (capable of causing harm),atrocious (cruel ) and nefarious(evil). It can’t be easily swiped away just like that, it is not as frail as everybody thought. It is strong inside me, deeply planted into my soul and it’s running through my vein and my brain every single day every single moment. I am pathetic, I am stupid. Right now, I can’t even bare to look myself in the mirror, it is just so depressing on how I lose to this, on how I’m not being able to stand firm on what I should have done long ago. And I broke my oath and promise many times, thousands of them even millions till I lost count on how much time I had done it. This year is coming to the end and a new year is going to start. I want to have a new life, I don’t want to submerged into this anymore longer. I want to be free, free from the horrible mean of myself, of my soul. I will always have to do it myself even though I was hoping there’ll be someone who can help me but I was wrong. I always know I have to do this and that I have to do it alone. My life is not in a stable situation and I am destroying myself and my mind, and I am dead! I threw myself into the trouble! I could not rise, I drowned as this thing vividly decorated in my mind. My hope is like a distant star and I wish that I could reach it all night. I give my all to have just one more chance to be good in life, I risk myself to do something stupid and now I have to pay the ultimate price. In my heart there is a song, a hopeful song, it lullaby me every moment that I did it and I was too shallow to understand it. But now I am not going to be afraid, I am not going to be scared, although there are many thing and many of them that I should feared of. What had I done all those consequences that it gave me I should be afraid of but there is no point of suffering the past. I’m heading to the future but I don’t see the light. Life is like this as what I’ve been told, I may not see the light but if I kept moving and moving, I will discover the light at the end of my path. Seriously, I really hope that is true. But how much longer do I have to wait, I have to suffer and I have to bear all these things? I may seem strong but I just act like one, I am fragile and vulnerable. I need to be hold, and I need to be accompanied but that is not going to happen, I knew. I almost give up, many times. But deep down in my heart I knew I can do it, I knew I can struggle and strive against it and I knew that someday I’m going to win this battle.

drama..

The drama starts ...
I ve 2 went home coz I need 2 do smthing which very significant 4 me.. well, just move on .
On my way , dlm teksi..aku borak2 dgn uncle tu..die cite mcm2 psl his job life n psl ank2 die..
Kesian plk aku dgr uncle 2 cite.. tp nk wat cm ne kn.. he’s tough enough ..i salute u then uncle.!!.
Though,My heart starts 2 beat faster as I feel my red cool blood is running through my nerves.. fortunely, uncle tu ade qualification in whatsoever la..ok? tp die hasil dr English medium system school dulu r..
So die ckp, dulu klow spe2 yg dpt speaking 2 senang naik pangkat..
Tp skg.. bdk2 pn da leh speaking dgn sgt2 fluent. So demand job market increase drastically . urm, shifting 2 my story plk..uncle 2 prsn npe aku balik awl, pdhal org lain xcuty lg..
So die presumption yg aku ade hal yg plu disettel kn. hOhO.. ok Fine. Aku cite la serba sdikit..
Out of blue , uncle 2 plk yg sedih..huhu.
Now dh smpai penang . aku mkn la McD prosperity utk mghilngkn lapa..
Unexpexted bnd tjdi coz time boarding tu.. tbe2 gate 4 boarding ditukar ke gate lain. Pergh! Geram aku. F.A ( flight attendant) tu x check btl2 boarding pass kami.. dh nk naik plane dh ni..flight dr Penang ke JB. Klow x mmg aku take off 2 JB ar . nsb baek aku tnmpk boarding pass org lain xsma dgn boarding kami 3 org.. huh! Terus F. A tu bwk kami 3 org naik ats dgn kelam kabut. Sial btl!!..on bhalf of Air Asia they apologize 4 inconvenience of their F.A. ape lagi ade aunty 2 terus LAZER kt F.A tu. Aunty(Chinese) 2 org penang tp skg mnetap kat Australia..
Tp die nk transit kat KL dlu..mcm2 aunty laser..suem kuar wat d F.. la, B.. la.. sume2. Aku diam je..tenangkn aunty tuh.hehe
Aunty 2 ckp ..ur gd n smart boy! Wah. Tkjt aku..mybe sb aku dpt lyn die. Even die speaking agk laju mcm ERL express tp aku speaking jgk la dgn unty tu..byk die bg nsht kt aku..die ckp idup kt kampus x senang.byk dugaan..i quote die pyr ni kt aku “LIFe is like a cirle, do GOOD receive GOOD but evil BegETS evil ok?, Evry1 has their STYLE n what I need 2 admire most bout certain pple is their ability 2 stick 2 their own no matter wat others say bout it or stares u might get, ok SON!” hehe..
ats plane plk aunty 2 mntk F.A 2 tukar seat spy aku duduk dgn die. Nsb baek dpt.. Die ckp, his is mY son kt F.A 2..dlm aty ni mmg aku ank cina pn..huhuhu. tp xpe ah..haha.best r. borak2 ats plane dgn aunty 2 cite psl Australia n wat not kn..
smpai KL die nk snap pic sme2 tp cmera aku wat hal.. pergh! Rugi kot.hoho.
While I was waiting at LccT . aku tsrmpak dgn kwn yg aku knl kt Klntan ..GIler!!!! dh jd pelatih F.A. air asia a girl .wah sexy gler giler die dgn speaking CAIR nk mmpus weh. Dh x nk ckp kelate dh dgn aku.. perhaps die malu koT..ps tu die pn b’lah sb ade hal..
time flight ke KB.. aku jmp mamat cina 2 org yg jual Hp aku kt kdai KB.. borak2 ar. Aku ckp aku nk gi bakar kdai die.haha sb xnk bg aku Hp free! Hoho.ps tu aku tny pesal time aku gi kdai diemsti die tgk2 aku, phati aku..OMG! bru aku dpt jwpn dr die..(biarlah rhsia) huhu.. then, upenye die tu dh hbs dgree tp sb muke die agk putih melepak so nmpk muda..giler btl..byk btl aku borak dgn org..bg aku no matter wat la.. kite ckp je dgn org.. at least xdela kite ni myombongkn diri… mat salleh ppuan yg duk tepi aku..mmg mcm dh x pkai seluar..nmpk everthing.. hairan aku xsjuk ke?fhm2 je lah ye.hehe
Moral of the story.. byk dpt borak dgn org. xkire la bngsa pe pn.. byk bnda kau leh blja dgn diorg even dlm time yg seciput tu..

how this could be??

a matter of choice

everyone has their personal style and wat i admire most about certain people is their ability 2 stick 2 their own, no matter wat others say about it or the stares they might get..
it a matter of choice.
as we've gtten d sign from yg MAha Berkuasa..
it shows that it is nt d time yet to start once again..
we do love so much.. since to that, we dnt wnt 2 hurt them as the time goes by there will be smthng unexpected comes around. through our experience , reading , observation & watsoever..
Is like a dead soul with no history..
why im sacrifying for almost everything i wanted..
it's so weird..i felt like crying.. i just feels uneasy..very tired..but i just finished it..i realized it all about my mistake. nothing roots from anybody mistake..to avoid from doing the same thing.. i did 'berjumpa dgn Allah' .Alhamdullilah..i've found d answer.even it goin' to make me loss control..i hate being a loser.. i should stop hurting pple heart! bdw, i need 2 experience it 2 know whthr its rite or wrong i dealing with soul.
. someone told me that,we are human aftr all we should learn frm trial n error..

keep surviving...

it all comes from God, only in God we trust.

..kotak hati..

You inspired me from the very first day you joined ......which is bit weird because you have never been nice with me.though, we never know each other. Plus, I was always skeptical about posting my stories here,but I got rid of my shyness just because of you,although you know nothing about it neither do I have any intention to make you aware of this complex yet beautiful emotion of mine,well,no matter how weird I sound but I find you interesting to the extant that i become what i am today..i am just fine..well, the spiral emotion comes across in my mind.. i wanna post a new posting. Now I’m constantly looking at the world, and my surroundings. See the different angles, the different sides, the different light, and the different heights, from all venues and vantage points.
For me, time used to be a measurement of getting from one place to another. For most people, it’s about always being “on the move.” For me, now, time is spent much differently. I spend my time trying to take in my surroundings with a more sensitive consciousness, and attempting to look and see everything that I can at any given moment. Time is more than time passing me by, or a clock ticking from one hour to the next, time is a place and fact that I use to merge into my ability to see and look in advance. As the old saying goes, you never stop learning by interpreting to me that I shall learn more in regard of life cycle.
With my Sony Ericson C510 cyberShot camera in my hand, I’ve gained a new found appreciation of a smile, a gesture, a sunset, a building, a child, and the beach– and life itself more. I see things differently, more clearly. These were but only a few examples of my new found enjoyment of life, and life’s offerings since I’ve got camera..